Skills for Building Better Relationships
In the spring many people engage in spring-cleaning. It is a time to throw out what is old and no longer useful. We often do this for our homes and cars, but what about our relationships? Relationships can get messy too. We can easily get into negative patterns of behavior that result in increased conflict. Interactions with partners and significant others sometimes require cleaning up and updating. Here are some tips for spring-cleaning your relationships.
1. Have a relationship vision. If your relationship were going well, how would that look? Take some time out to write this out. Share your vision with the person with whom you want to improve your relationship. Find out what their relationship vision would be. Can these be combined?
2. Learn to be a good communicator. Ask for what you want one hundred percent of the time (realizing that the answer may be “No”). Use “I” statements and learn reflective listening techniques. Don’t assume that someone else knows what you want or need. Mind reading is not a skill that many people have. Learn to say “no.”
3. Invest in your relationship. If your relationship was a bank account, are you making more withdrawals or deposits? Deposits are kind words, loving actions and romantic gestures. Withdrawals are arguments, name-calling or other unkind behaviors. You should try for 10 deposits for each withdrawal so your account doesn’t go bankrupt. Know your currencies and your partners’ currencies. Be willing to assist your significant others in giving you what you need.
4. Make your relationships a priority. Modern life fast is paced, and sometimes our relationship needs are skipped over. Schedule a date. Make time together a priority. Make sure that some of the time is used for pleasure and fun.
5. Learn to take care of yourself in the relationship. Don’t make someone else responsible to making sure your needs get met. Take time out to recharge your own battery. Relating to others requires energy. Don’t make changing the relationship the other person’s job. If change is needed, start with yourself.
6. Anger management. Anger unreleased=depression. Anger badly released is damaging. Use timeout techniques. Time outs can be informal or formal. If you argue a lot, pick a peaceful moment and agree ahead of time about how timeouts will work. Other techniques include journaling, exercise, externalizing the problem.
7. Know when to get help. There are many good books about couple’s therapy and anger management. If you have tried on your own but the problems you are experiencing are not improving or getting worse, call a professional counselor or join a therapy group that addresses your particular issues.