Improving Your Self-Esteem

Possible Causes of Low Self-esteem
Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Do you lack confidence in yourself or feel defective, lacking and prone to failure? If so, it may be worth examining how you talk to yourself. One of the hallmark signs of poor self-esteem is negative self-talk. People with a low self-esteem have internalized a harsh self-critic. They continually tell themselves things like “I am stupid, ugly, fat, or no that no one likes me.” They often engage in all or nothing thinking. “Things will never change.” “My whole life is one big failure.” Or “Nobody will ever really love me.” This negative self-talk reinforces low self-esteem. A good place to start is to ask “Where did these negative messages come from?” Most often the answer lies in the past. Often messages received from parents and teachers are part of the cause of low self-esteem. “What’s the matter with you? Are you stupid?” “Honey, if you don’t lose weight, no one will want you.” Living with a hypercritical partner can also lower self-esteem. As you hear and begin to believe these critics, you may begin to talk about yourself and to yourself in the same way. Then even in the absence of these external critics, your own internal critic takes over.

Reprogramming the Internal Critic
One of the first steps in overcoming low self-esteem is to begin to monitor your self-talk. Make a list of the negative things you tell yourself daily. Include negative things that you tell others about yourself too. Look for and identify “all or nothing” statements that begin with “I’ll never….or I always….” “All or nothing” statements are neither accurate nor helpful most of the time. They tend to exacerbate negative mood states, kill motivation and maintain low self-esteem. Now list your strengths. What are some positive statements you can think of that are true? Also look at your goals. What would you like to do but do not because lack the confidence to try? List some of these things. Once you’ve done this, imagine that instead of an internal critic, you now have an internal coach. This coach replaces old negative messages like ”I could never do that.” With positive “coaching” statements like “You can learn do it, you are a very determined person.” The coach allows for mistakes and breaks goals down into small, manageable steps. When your internal critic acts up, develop a way of saying to yourself (and your external critics whoever they may be) “This is not helping, I’m now choosing to think differently.” Then replace the negative self-statement with a positive coaching statement such as “I’m doing the best I can, I can move forward by changing how I think.” Or “It is okay, I’ll try again later.”

Imagine that You Like Yourself
Spend some time imagining what it might feel like if you really were okay. Think how freeing it would feel to be confident and like your self. How would you walk, talk, dress and eat? If you would treat yourself differently, then see if you can begin to do some of it now. Start today by beginning to Act as if you like yourself, use the inner coach that says “You deserve to be happy, you can do it.” Silence the internal critic when necessary. Replace negative self-talk with statements like “I’m changing, these negative thoughts are not helping.” Whenever the old critic begins, say “This is not helpful, I’m choosing to be more positive.” Be patient with yourself. It takes practice to change your self-talk. But the effort is well worth it. For further help with this, professional counseling is available.